| ...a day in the life of a mouse |
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| ...a day in the life of a mouse |
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2004-12-28 - 8:48 a.m. Sometimes I’m sure I’m going crazy. Other than chicken. I can’t go crazy, cuz he needs me. Otherwise, I think I’d just let my mind slip totally away. I don’t even know what or how I’m feeling anymore. i’m not sure if I should take my medications anymore. I don’t know if they just help my mind gloss over all the shit so it doesn’t seem bad anymore, and lets me ignore all the problems. or if all the problems i perceive and all the things that piss me off so very much and make me want to cry and lash out are even real, or am I just so hysterical and emotional that everything seems horrible and shitty when they’re really not? I just don’t know what’s real anymore. It makes me want to tear my hair out, and shout and scream and cry until someone tells me what is really going on. ::: I am glad Christmas is over. What a fucking emotional roller coaster it was. I’m beginning to think I hate holidays where we have to be together as a family. That just is not working for me anymore. Christmas eve: went to the mall early with mum and Chicken to finish up the last couple of gifts we had to get. Chicken was good. Mum was bossy. What else did I expect?? Went to the evening carol service at church with mum. I actually love the carol service, but I never get to go, because I’m usually so frantic busy with last-minute Christmas stuff. This year I got to go, because I decided I’d had enough of that shit, if it wasn’t done, it wasn’t getting done, and I didn’t really give a damn. They had a baptism at the service. I’d never heard of that on Christmas eve…but it was truly beautiful. They focussed on how Jesus started off as a tiny baby, just like the little one there that night, with the whole world ahead of him. Made me think of my chicken, and all the hope and promise he has ahead of him. Made me sad and happy at the same time….”am I doing right by him?” “do I really love him enough?””have I messed up his life by messing up mine?” as well as “my son could do anything!””my son is beautiful” “my son is the joy of my life and truly a gift from God”….and on and on in my mind and heart it went. All in all, though, it was really beautiful, and I am very glad I went. Then I got home. Jimmy was there. I was pretty much ready to settle down for the night, go to bed early, and wake up refreshed for Christmas morning with my family. Well, my stupid, drunken roommate decides he’s going to invite Paco over at 11:00 pm. Um, hello? You fucking loser. We don’t even have people call our house after 9:00!! What in the hell makes you think I want you and Paco sitting in my living room on Christmas eve drinking beer?? FUCK! So at around midnight I tell them it’s time for bed. I also inform jamie that we are getting up at 7 am to open presents, and there will be NO BEER and he must be SOBER. He said his usual “ya ya, I hear you”, but they kept on drinking. Um, GO TO BED! So he looks at me all whiney and says, “but where’s Paco going to go??” well shit, skippy, I don’t care. I’m pretty sure he thought Paco was going to sleep over here. Maybe I’m just mean and/or selfish, I dunno, but pardon me for wanting my Christmas morning to be a nice, calm, family Christmas, without drunken morons asleep on my couch when my son goes to open his presents. So I just said, “Out”. And I basically just kept repeating “get out” until he’d finished the beer he’d opened. I’m pretty sure jamie was pissed off, because he left too. I finally went to bed, and I have no idea what time jamie came home, but you can be damn sure he was neither up at 7 am, nor sober. Just as well. If he’d come upstairs to open presents still half drunk and reeking, I think I would have killed him. Right there under the damn tree on Baby Jesus’ birthday. We opened presents, and stockings, and it was lots of fun and I got totally spoiled stinky rotten. Yay me! At about 9:30 I took the dog for a walk before we packed up to go to Stevo’s house for the rest of Christmas day. Halfway back, I knew jimmy was at least conscious because I could smell pot from halfway down the street. Went to stevo and penny’s house. Mum loaned us her car to drive out in. found their house no problem. Opened presents, yay yay, fun fun. After that, I was pretty much ready to go home. Not that I don’t love my brother and penny, or my parents for that matter, but FUCK!! It was just 8 solid hours of stress. All I could hear from my mother was “isn’t their house beautiful?””isn’t it CLEAN?””doesn’t penny do such a nice job of setting the table?””isn’t penny clever?””aren’t they wonderful, blah, blah, fucking-BLAH!” then at dinner they did their usual trick of cutting me off in mid sentence, and ignoring me, and basically making me feel like shit. Only, the thing is, they don’t even know they’re doing it! How can you get mad when they honestly don’t know they’re hurting you?? And if you were to ask them, I know they would back me up in a second. They do love me. I know they do. But every time…every single fucking time, I feel like an outsider. Like somebody plunked me down in the middle of the wrong family, and I’m supposed to fit in, but nobody’s told me the rules. So finally, we got to leave. I was totally exhausted by the time we got home. All I wanted was a hot coffee with a healthy slug of booze in it (Husband had gotten me a bottle of Baileys, and a bottle of Hot Sex (which is lovely, btw). So we walk in the house, and who is sitting on the couch? Why, it’s our stinky, useless roommate, Jamie! He had said he was going to his friend Ykje’s house for turkey, but decided to stay home and get drunk instead. He had had at least a half dozen (that I know about) beers, an entire 26 oz of liqueur, a mickey of rye, and then decided to start on my Christmas presents!!! FUCK!!! I just grabbed up my remaining booze, went into the bedroom to hide the bottles, and then wept. Merry fucking Christmas. ::: maybe I am just a stress case, and I do blow things out of proportion, but I honestly don’t TRY to be difficult! I really don’t! went to mum’s house for a visit yesterday. I was a little disappointed because we had been planning on going out to the farm to visit Husband’s family, but didn’t go for various reasons. Well, I don’t know what made me think visiting mum would make me feel better! Holy shit! Why is my family so fucking clueless about me??? I’m sure they think they know me, and I know my mother thinks she can “read me like a book”, but honestly, have they never met me before? Do they have any idea who I REALLY am??? I happened to mention that I was glad Christmas was over because it is so stressful, and she said, “well, surely not Saturday!” I said, “yes, actually, it was. Very.” “but why?!? You’re not JEALOUS of them are you???” well, I gave my mum a Look, and am happy to say I refrained from using profanity, but I did say, “well what to do YOU think? Of COURSE I’m jealous!! How could I not be?” I didn’t mention the fact that she rubs my nose in it every chance she can get. But she was just incredulous. She had no clue that I was ever jealous of anyone. I think she thinks because I’m stuck in my life, that I must truly enjoy it. That because nothing ever changes, that I must WANT it that way. Yup. I LOVE living in perfectly good houses and then making them look like trailer parks. Mmmmm hmmmm. Yessirree! Why would I POSSIBLY want to live in a big-ass fancy house with custom decorating, two new cars in the garage, and fucking Jacuzzi tub?? Nope, wouldn’t make sense to want THAT!! Fuck. I hate being bitter. ::: anyway. That’s where my mind is at right now. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to fix things, or change things, or even what needs changing. So that is why I sit here at my desk after my Christmas holidays, not talking to anyone, praying no one says anything to me, and trying not to cry. 
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