| ...a day in the life of a mouse |
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| ...a day in the life of a mouse |
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2005-02-07 - 9:27 a.m. “Mama pajama rolled outta bed and she ran to the police station, when papa found out he began to shout and they started the investigation….i’m on my way, I don’t know where I’m goin’….” And THAT is the song that jumped into my little mind this morning in the middle of a report, and will not leave. Not that it’s a bad song, but I have no idea why it’s there, cuz I don’t think I’ve heard it in at least 2 years. Also, Paul Simon and colonoscopy reports….hmmm, not a connection I want to make in my mind whenever I hear him. Kinda ruins it for me, yanno? ::: ok, to clarify….when I inadvertently threw myself down the stairs, I didn’t actually, you know, DAMAGE myself. By that I mean I didn’t actually break any bones, I didn’t crack my skull open on the tiles, and there was no arterial bleeding of any sort. However, the bruises were really pretty, and large, and lasted for at least a week. I was going to take a picture of them, but I decided no one really needs to see a picture of my ASS, no matter how pretty the bruises are. I also think I will have some ongoing issues with my hip/back/shoulder/neck for a while, and will use this as a fabulous opportunity to get to know my neighborhood chiropractor better. ::: I haven’t talked to my mum in several weeks. This is bad. Not that i am pining away for lack of conversation with her…just that I know when I finally DO talk to her…I will get an earful. And attitude. An earful of attitude. She always gives me this sort of cold indifference as if she’s really very hurt but trying very hard to overcome it. Then comes the attitude that I obviously don’t love her, or my dad, otherwise I would have called. But OBVIOUSLY they are not important to me. Well, that goes both ways you know. She hasn’t called me, either. So it’s sort of a stand-off, I guess. And people wonder why I have no interest in politics. I get enough politics just trying to get along with my family!! ::: had kind of a rough weekend. A situation came up in which I realized that I have no one to turn to in this city when things turn to shit and I need a shoulder to cry on. I have my husband, my son, and my mother. Not that I am not eternally grateful that I have them!! I am! I love them beyond reason. However, the situation between my husband and my mother have made it so that if one or the other of them says something to upset me, I can’t go to the other one to let of steam. my mother seems to take every chance she can get to badmouth my husband. Even when she’s not badmouthing him, she’s just really….negative. 9 times out of 10, when I leave my mum’s house, it’s with red puffy eyes from crying. She just can’t leave it alone. So when my mother upsets me, I don’t like going home and letting it all out all over my husband. He already doesn’t like my parents. And while he doesn’t badmouth them, it just sort of fuels his own bad feelings towards them. So that leaves Chicken. I cannot and will not dump all my fucked up emotional shit all over my son. That would just not be fair. True he is my best friend. True he is very sympathetic and knows just what to say to cheer me up. True I could probably tell him anything in the world and he would still love me and stand behind me 100%. But he is still just a 13-year-old boy. It would be so unfair to do that to him. So. That leaves….um…..no one. So Saturday I found myself driving around in the snow, crying, wracking my brain trying to come up with SOMEWHERE I could go for comfort. Comfort without strings attached. And there was no where. So I went to a movie, and sat in the dark, concentrating on watching people die in creepy, scary ways. After that I wandered around the book store. Not because I wanted a book, or was even remotely interested in reading…I just needed somewhere to be. I walked up and down the aisles, staring at the books, but not reading any of the titles, just pretending to look so it would at least LOOK like I had something to do. Then I went for coffee. I sat at a table for one. And had coffee. I listened to my ipod, but didn’t really hear the music. After three cups of coffee, I went home. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to, but I was tired, and I’d had enough. Things were ok when I got home, but the whole day just stuck with me. I was glad when it was bedtime. ::: the office at work looks really empty. Seven of the girls went home to work. Remember like I used to? Ya. So nearly all the people I get along with at work, and make coming to work bearable….are gone. Gah. I am developing some serious abandonment issues. Kinda late in life for this particular crisis, isn’t it? 
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