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2005-03-05 - 8:44 a.m.

Having friends is hard.

I’m not sure I know how to do it right, because I’m not sure it’s supposed to hurt.

Friends that say they are dying.
Friends who need my help.
Friends who lie so often they believe it themselves.
Being afraid to offer help because it may all just be a big lie and I don’t want to get hurt.
Running into people who used to be friends, but you abandoned when you didn’t know how to deal. they imply very politely and subtly and politically correctly that you owe them an apology for fucking off. Feeling indignant because you don’t feel you anyone an apology for being fucked up for so many years. Reaching out to rekindle friendships but getting in hurtful digs while doing it. Did I hurt them so much when I disappeared that that is warranted? Do I deserve that?

Maybe I do.

Maybe I’m doing this all wrong.

Maybe I’m just like the friends who abandoned me.

Maybe I’ve left them all wondering, “what did I do wrong? Why did they leave me?”

I know I’ve sat alone and wondered that so many times myself.

I abandoned Babs. I know I did. And I am so ashamed of that every day.

Why do I do that? It seems that I go out of my way to be a friend to the people who are least likely to reciprocate. And yet, I abandon the people I know will offer me loving unconditional friendship in return?

Do I like getting hurt? Do I like to cry?

You’d think so, wouldn’t you.

Maybe it’s fear. I befriend the people who won’t or can’t love me back, and push away the people that will. Maybe I’m afraid of people being too close.

But why?

I think I’m just lazy. Emotionally lazy. To be a good friend, to let someone be close, means BEING THERE. That requires effort. Effort I am apparently too selfish and too lazy to put forth.

Good Lord. What’s wrong with me??

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