| ...a day in the life of a mouse |
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| ...a day in the life of a mouse |
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2005-03-29 - 11:15 a.m. Wow. It’s hard to concentrate when you can feel the broken pieces of your heart grinding inside your chest like so much shattered glass. If you’d have asked me beforehand how I would have reacted, I think “anger” would have been my first response. I would have been wrong. There is no anger. Only an emptiness. A pain. A feeling of being so let down. Like everything I took as fact was really only shadows. You lied to me. Little lies, big lies, all mixed in together. You took what was ours, and made it dirty. Where once it was something funny and cute, now it’s used and makes me turn my head away. you took what was sacred and secret between us and flaunted like a cheap whore. You stripped my soul bare and sold it off for trinkets. I bared my soul to you in exchange for love, they bared their breasts to you, and you traded that love. How could you not see it was wrong?? Even after the lines were drawn, you crossed them, without a look back. Did you really not know it was wrong? Was the line that blurred for you? Then why did you lie. Twist it around so I wouldn’t know what you’d stolen from me. Liar. Betrayer. I simply don’t know what to say to you. All the things I could say, you should know already. You ask me if I want to watch you check your mail now…to make sure you’re not doing anything wrong. If you don’t know by now what’s wrong and what’s not…then you never will. You ask me if I’ve read your updated page. I actually felt nauseated when you asked that. The thought of even going online this morning was a little unnerving, let alone reading about all that stuff. You ask me if I will have my messenger on today, and really have to ask why when I say ‘no’? you spoiled that for me too. So many things have newer, darker meanings for me now. Things that would excite me, or make me smile, now nauseate me, and make my stomach burn. All the forward progress we have made in our personal lives lately. All the progress I thought I had made in my self-esteem issues. It’s all gone. We are further behind than we were before all this started. The truth is, when you thought I wanted to hurt you for what you’d done and said, I really wanted nothing more than to go home and slice my arms and hands to ribbons. I wanted to bleed all over the floor. I wanted to feel the pain. I wanted to punish myself for being what I am, and everything that I’m not. That I never can be. What is wrong with me that when you do something wrong to hurt me, my first instinct is to hurt myself more? Yes, you hurt me. Yes, I still love you and I forgive you. Because I love you. If I didn’t love you, it wouldn’t hurt. Maybe if I didn’t love you I could get angry with you, and scream and yell and lash out at you. But I’m not that way. I am hoping that someday we can get back all the wonderful new feelings we had discovered together. A delicate new part of our relationship that we had found. It was exciting, and new, and it made me feel good, and whole and like a woman for the first time in a long time. But you pushed too hard, and took advantage of that. And you didn’t think. And now it’s damaged. I’m damaged. I hope we get it back…but i think it will take a long time. The ironic part is that I will hug you, and hold your hand, and let you snuggle me in bed. But you know, the comfort is not for me. I do it to comfort you! Because you need to be reassured that I will not leave. That I won’t make you leave. That I still love you. So I will continue to hold your hand, and hug you, and stroke your hair as we drift off to sleep. But there is no solace in it for me. I never doubted you loved me. I know you don’t want to leave me. But that you could love me so much and hurt me anyway, just because you didn’t think…I just don’t even have words to explain how that makes me feel. I do not want to kiss you anymore. I do not want you to touch my naked skin. I do not want you to make love to me. Strange that only a week ago I couldn’t get enough of your touch, of feeling your hands on my flesh, of feeling your lips on mine. I am so very fragile right now. Please, please, handle me with care. I know this will not break me. I know I will survive. But please, have a care. 
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