| ...a day in the life of a mouse |
|
| ...a day in the life of a mouse |
powered by SignMyGuestbook.com
|
|
2005-04-12 - 9:05 a.m. So…the update. Things are pretty much back to normal. Sure, every now and then, something will come up that will make everything all raw and hurty again for a minute, but it goes away, and we move on. Also, there are little things that used to be funny little inside jokes between the two of us that are no longer funny. And then there’s the fact that I really don’t care so much for M&Ms anymore. But, I have moved on. My marriage means too much to me to dwell on the hurts. I love my husband. I want to be with him. I want to laugh with him, and talk with him, make love with him, hold and be held by him. I can’t do that if I hang on to the hurts. Remarkably enough, I didn’t “ostrich’ this time. I didn’t hide away until the bad things just sort of “went away”. I faced them. I talked to him. I told him exactly what hurt, and why, and that I found it unacceptable. I was direct. I asked questions. We talked. We Worked It Out. And it didn’t kill me. Hehehe. Huh. Go figure. So anyway, I appreciate all the wonderful support I got from everybody. It meant a lot to know that you were all out there, thinking of me, and worrying for me, even though you didn’t know what the whole situation was. Thank you. And no, I don’t need anyone to take a hit out on my husband…but I appreciate the offers! Hahaha. This particular rough patch, I would say, is passed. ::: Marlborough is living with us now. Actually, he has been for quite some time…probably almost a month. Ya, I guess I forgot to mention that. In some ways, I really like having him there. He’s good to Chicken, the dog likes him, he does the dishes, and he occasionally cooks a meal! He’s good to talk to for the most part, but it’s the tall tales that are starting to wear me down. It’s one thing to embellish a story about that time you did such and such…but you have to know when to be fully honest. I don’t think he knows how to do that. He SAYS he’s going to be hired on full-time for a certain amount of money…but it hasn’t happened yet. And each time he says it, the amount they agreed to pay him changes. I mean geesh…if you’re gonna lie, at least keep your lies straight!! There’s also the constant worry about what he’s doing when he’s not at home. Each time he comes home after midnight, I always wonder, was he really working late? Or was he at D’s house, smoking crack? I just don’t want to get burned. I love this guy. We’ve been through a lot together, and I’ve always been there for him, never questioned him or his motives…just accepted him the way he is. i’d like to think he recognized that. I want to be able to say I will always be there for him, to help him, to love him….but if he keeps lying to me, if he goes back on his word, if he disrespects me like that…how can i?? I’ve had to draw some lines in my life over the years. I didn’t want to. I don’t like that I had to. And all the time I want to erase those lines. I’ve had to separate myself from people I’ve cared about because they keep hurting me in one way or another. Lester, Kurse, Jimmy…I have cut them out of my heart. I wonder if they ever really knew how much I cared? That I would have done just about anything for them, had they only asked. But they lied to me, or abandoned me, or disrespected me…whatever. I think if I’m to grow as a person, to progress in my life, and be healthy, I have to draw lines. I have to cut myself off from the things that hurt me. For a long time, I held on to them, because I felt guilty letting them go. Like I was betraying them, somehow, by saying, “No. I won’t be there for you. No, I am not going to wait for you to realize I’m here.” But yanno, I’m finding out that it’s not so bad. I have found that yes, after I cut the free…I was alone and empty for a while. Very lonely. But now that they’re gone…there is so much more room in my heart for others! I am meeting people I never thought to meet, and they are filling different parts of my heart. They are returning my love tenfold, and making me happy in ways I never thought of! Some of them I have met in person, and I know the sound of their laughter, the feel of their arms as they hug me, or the smell of their hair, and just thinking of it makes me smile. And some of them, I have never met. I know them only from the words they write me, but the shoulder they give me to lean on feels as solid to me as any other. They all teach me new things about myself, and about life, and about how to love. ::: A few weeks ago, Husband’s gramma passed away. He took it very hard. He had originally gone out to see her on Saturday, March 26. His mum had called to tell him that gramma was not doing well, and was likely on her last legs. He hadn’t been able to see his grampa before he died, so he wanted to make sure he got to see gramma. The farm is about 2 hours away. He got maybe an hour from home, and the car died. He had to wait around all day in a stupid little backwater town in order to get the part in. It cost him $100. By the time the car was fixed, it was getting onto evening, and he didn’t have enough money for gas to get all the way out to the farm and then back home again…so he just came home. He would go see gramma tomorrow. Well, poor gramma passed away that night. Husband was crushed. We ended up not even going to the funeral. Emotionally, he just couldn’t do it. I was disappointed. I felt we should have gone. But the heart is a funny thing, and you can’t force some issues. Husband can be a funny duck sometimes, and I have found I have to let him deal with things in his own way, in his own time. His family is much different from mine (thank God). Had I missed a loved one’s funeral, I would never have been forgiven, and I would be reminded of it for as long as my mother had breath in her lungs. His family though? They may not understand, or agree…but they let you live your life. Totally foreign to me…but a really nice concept! So, I don’t really know how they feel about us not coming out…but I know they won’t say anything. ::: Did I also mention that Husband got laid off, AGAIN. Damn companies. It was supposed to be a temporary, 4-week lay off. So far, though, they haven’t asked him to come back. It was okay though, because in the meantime he got two other job offers from companies who are familiar with him. The one place couldn’t wait to have him start! They had him come in the very next day and start! Woohoo! They hadn’t even finished drafting up the job offer, they just needed him to start ASAP! Well, a week later, and they still haven’t sent the job offer in from head office. Turns out there was some miscommunication somewhere along the line. Some head honcho told the manager, “yes! Hire someone! We need an extra body in here!” so, the manager did. Now, some other head honcho is saying, “whoa, whoa, whoa….you’re telling me you HIRED someone? Who said you could do that?” so. Husband is not working today. Or yesterday. And probably not tomorrow or the next day…until they can “sort things out”. In fact, he might not be working for them at all. Did I mention that Marlborough originally agreed to pay us $50 - $75 a week for rent? Ya…well, it’s been about $20 - $40. I really really hope this works out. I don’t know if I can go through all that again. Last year really took it out of me. To have it happen all over again???? Oh God, please no! ::: ok…back to work for me. I will try…I really will try!...to update more often. For now though…take a look at the top left hand side of the page….see where I have some linky-poos? There’s my fotolog (for some marvy pics of me and my life), there’s my Amazon.com wish list (in case you want to buy me some lovely prezzies)….and a new one! It’s for my You Are Suck (URS) account. Now…if I’ve added the link correctly, everytime someone clicks on it, it should give me something called a Rad Point. now, Rad Points won’t do anything for you, and they have to actual, real life value to anyone. They will, however, help me earn dumb little bonuses on my URS acct. So, if you’re really bored, or have an extra 30 seconds to spare….clicky! 
|