I've moved to a new blog.



through a mouse's eyes

Amazon.com Wishlist

Most Recent Entries
hallelujah. - 2008-08-03
new blog up and running. - 2008-08-01
wootzors, and the like - 2008-07-31
comedy of errors - 2008-07-30
a monday of biblical proportions...? - 2008-07-21

 

2005-08-14 - 1:06 p.m.

I fill out quizzes cuz it stops me from writing the really crappy stuff I’m actually thinking.

It’s really hard to be excited for someone when you’re so jealous you want to puke.

I hate feeling like the family failure. For every little victory I win against myself, I get a pat on the head and a “oh look! Isn’t that CUTE!” I know it’s just a patch of dirt with weeds and a few flowers…but I wish you could see what it means to ME!

Is that why I won’t let myself paint, or write, or create? Because it won’t be Wonderful, or Beautiful, or Healing. It’ll just be a cute little picture I drew when I should have been washing dishes, or vacuuming?

I hate this. I want the therapy to work NOW! Ok ok…it’s a long slow process. I didn’t get this fucked up overnight. True. But why is it so hard to figure out where I went wrong?? Why can’t I see it? I’d rather have fucking appendicitis. At least then they could come in, poke me, prod me, diagnose me, and then rip the fucking disease out of me! All this talking and self-examining doesn’t seem to be getting me anywhere. I really really really want the hypnotherapy to work…but I can’t say at this point that I’m very optimistic. But I’m trying. I’m trying soooo hard to believe that I will be NORMAL soon. That I will be able to actually live my life, instead of coasting through it, surviving… getting by.

I’m tired of caring. I’m tired of opening my heart to people, of giving them chances, of believing in them, and then having them SHIT ALL OVER ME!!

I want to badly to help people. To let them see they can do it! That they can be happy. That I BELIEVE in them. That I love them.

Do they just see that as weakness? Is it just something they can use to exploit my generosity?

STOP LYING TO ME! STOP PLAYING YOUR STUPID FUCKING GAMES WITH ME!

Can’t you see that what you do has consequences? Can’t you see that you’re HURTING me???

What does my love mean to you? Or do you not believe in the kind of love that has no strings attached? All I want in return for my love is for you to be the best person you can be! I don’t want money, or material gain, or even your fucking gratitude! Just use the opportunity I’ve given you to do something with yourself!

I wish I could stop my stupid heart from being so soft. But it’s the only way I know how to be.

They say that I need to ‘fix’ people because then I don’t have to fix myself. That when I put all my energy into worrying about other people, I can ignore what’s wrong with me. Maybe they are right. But I don’t know how to care about me, when I see people in need. I CAN’T fix me, because I don’t know how. So maybe, it’ll help if I give other people all I have in me…maybe if just ONE person ends up being better off for what I’ve done for them…then I can start to care about myself??

Fuck. I’m such a mess.

before - after