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through a mouse's eyes

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hallelujah. - 2008-08-03
new blog up and running. - 2008-08-01
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comedy of errors - 2008-07-30
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2006-10-12 - 3:28 p.m.

Fuck. Every six months it seems we’re right back where we started.

I didn’t realize how good I’d been feeling until the bad shit started up again. I forgot how sick I used to get with stress. Sitting here trying soooo very hard not to cry with a mix of panic, frustration, anger, and hopelessness. I feel like puking. Now I remember why they nearly fired me….how the hell am I supposed to work when it’s taking everything I have not to jump up out of my chair and just run away?

This can’t be right. Holding all this negative shit in all the time. I mean…what are you supposed to do with all the stress and frustration and panic? I can’t sit here and just let it all out…they’d lock me up! But if I hold it all in, I get sick, and depressed, and cease to function.

Little kids have it so much easier. They get overwhelmed and they just sit right the fuck down on the floor and start to bawl. That’s what I want to do.

Why does my life seem to be a series of crises? I look back and it seems that for about as long as I’ve been an “adult”, all I ever seem to do is try to figure out how to fix one mess or another. I’m tired of it. Oh so tired. I can sort of see how people end up homeless, yanno? Just one day they wake up and say, “NO! I’m not going to do this anymore.” And they just walk away from everything. Sure, you lose your job, and then your house…but if you’ve already stopped giving a fuck, then who cares, right? The only thing I don’t get is how they can walk away from their families, too. Sure, caring about people is hard, and having a family to look after is a lot of stress…but don’t they LOVE them anymore? How do you justify in your mind giving up on the people you’re supposed to love?

I can’t. so, I suppose that’s why I find myself back here, feeling like this, again and again. Because I love people. I can’t abandon them. I can’t just walk away. Don’t get me wrong…I don’t actually WANT to walk away. I’d much rather have a home and a family and a job and be productive and contribute and all that. I want something to feel good about. I want my family around me. But sometimes…I feel like my love for my family is holding me hostage.

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