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2007-12-17 - 5:55 p.m.

Every now and then I wake up to realize that I have been doing everything wrong for almost my entire life. I say almost, because when I do what other people tell me to do, things generally work out better. Unfortunately, I generally prefer to make my own decisions, generally, with very poor results.

It occurred to me this morning, that as hard as I try to be a good mother, and teach my son right from wrong…all I have been doing is passing along my poor judgment to him. I have been so concerned with making sure he is a kind, caring, loving person, that it didn’t occur to me to teach him anything useful…like being responsible, or hard working, or someone others can respect.

Imagine my horror as I realize that my son will be 16 years old in a few days, and any chance for me to mold his personality into something better, to ingrain positive habits into him, has long since passed. It’s sort of like starting a snowball rolling at the top of a large snowy hill. It starts off small and slowly enough, and everything seems to go along smoothly…but as you watch as it gets bigger and bigger, you realize you’ve set it on a collision course for disaster, but it’s so far out of your reach now, that all you can do is watch with helpless dread, waiting for the inevitable crash at the end.

Certainly, I know that I have raised a boy who knows he is loved, who knows that no matter what, I will be here for him to lean on, to cry with, to laugh with. I also realize how wonderful it is to have a son who allows himself to both laugh and cry. But, I wonder to myself what good that does him when I haven’t taught him to be responsible, reliable, or self-sufficient. All it seems I have taught him, either by unintentional neglect or by example, is how to be lazy, and procrastinate, and how to be rescued by everyone else time and time again. What is the most horrible thing of all, is that even as I realize all these things, I continue to do it. Because I don’t know how to be a better person. I don’t know how to make good choices, despite my parents’ best efforts.

How did I become this person? I honestly thought I’d achieved some measure of success to realize that I was a good and kind person. That I was thoughtful and helpful. But in the end…I was fooling myself, because more than half of what I do goes unfinished, for every step forward taking two steps back.

This is not how it was meant to be.

I want a do-over.

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