| ...a day in the life of a mouse |
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| ...a day in the life of a mouse |
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2008-07-13 - 10:17 a.m. I’m pretty sure I’m being tested. Surely life wouldn’t be this difficult if it weren’t a test, right? What I’m not sure of, is if I’m passing or failing. Difficult issues/decisions keep coming up one after another, but what I don’t know is if it’s all part of the test, to see if I can keep it together and get through till the end, or is it just God saying, “nope, wrong answer, try again”, and yet each time I keep making the same wrong decision? Things are very rough right now, and no matter what direction I turn, there is some sort of difficulty. Problems with the husband…can’t turn there. Problems with the boy…can’t turn there. Problems with my mother…can’t turn there. Problems with work…can’t hide there. Problems with the house…can’t run home. So I spent a good part of yesterday just driving around. I sat in my car in the parking lot of a mall for a while. I wasn’t ready to go into the mall and face people right away, but I just couldn’t go home. Everything just sort of rose up to overwhelm me yesterday. I think I cried for about 3 hours without being able to stop. Just huge wracking sobs. I decided I just had to get out of the house. By myself. I just got in my car and started driving…tears streaming down my face as I drove. I ended up turning up the stereo really loud and singing along just as loudly until my tears stopped. Then I sat in the parking lot until I was calm enough to go into the mall. I bought some lame crappy stuff, like rubber gloves, new bags for my compost bin, a hairbrush mirror thing to keep in the car…just random stuff. I wandered around the Asian market…which usually delights me. But I saw nothing I wanted. Even the bakery didn’t inspire me. I decided to go see a movie by myself. Just to sit in the dark and lose myself in the movie. On the way I stopped at the StupidStore to buy some henna, and ended up with chips & pop which I smuggled into the theatre. WAY cheaper than paying $20 for popcorn and a diet coke. I finally emerged at about 3 pm. Not at all sure that I really wanted to go home. Actually, I was really sure I didn’t, but as hard as I try, I can’t turn off being a mother…being a Responsible Adult. Even when it hurts. As it turns out, the boy phoned while I was about halfway home. He didn’t say he was concerned…but it wouldn’t surprise me, as I never told him where I was going or when I’d be back. When he asked, I just sobbed harder and said I was, “going OUT!” Just so you know, I’ve never done that before. I hated doing it yesterday, but I felt I HAD to! I mean…the boy is 16 years old. It’s not like I was abandoning him (even though in my heart I felt just a little bit like I was). I just feel so overwhelmed. So exhausted. So completely at a loss as to what I’m supposed to do now. I don’t know how to fix everything! But, somehow, I’m supposed to? Fix the boy. Fix the husband. Fix the finances. Fix the house. Fix myself. HA! I don’t know what to do for the boy anymore. I have always, always tried to do what is right for him…but now maybe I think everything I did was wrong. Maybe I should have done things differently. Maybe he’d actually have some coping skills….but instead, he is emotionally, socially, financially helpless. That probably really is all my fault…but in my own defence…I’m only just learning all that shit myself now. How can you teach what you don’t know?? I just pray that it’s not too late to fix him. I have no idea what to do for the husband. I really have no clue at all why he is proving to be so unemployable. On the surface he seems like an excellent manager, an excellent employee, a nice guy, a hard worker….so DAMNED if I know why he can’t keep a job. He’s also stubborn. I’ve tried trouble shooting with him. I’ve tried giving him suggestions. I’ve tried to give him tips on how to be a better peon (because really, that’s what I’M good at. It’s not anything great to aspire to, but it’s kept me steadily employed for 12 years). So, either he is lying to me about what is really going on, he is ignoring my suggestions, or there really is something strange and inexplicable going on with his jobs. At this point, all I know how to do is throw money at him. A lot of money. Money I don’t have. I do, however, know how to at least start to fix the finances. To that end, I am applying to get another job. I actually had an interview on Friday. It’s for a cashier position at one of the local grocery stores. I haven’t done retail in nearly 17 years, but I do remember that I enjoyed it. Also, I really could not handle another typing job, mentally or physically. It literally might kill me. Besides, I spend enough time spending my money in the grocery store, it might be interesting to be on the other side of the counter for a while. I don’t know yet if I’ve got the job. Part of me is hoping I don’t get it, while part of me is praying desperately that I do. I really don’t WANT another job. I don’t want the 3 I already have. But the bills don’t pay themselves, right? And I have SO many bills right now. Unfortunately, all the extra work, I think, is going to push me over the edge, physically if not emotionally. I am in constant pain. My headaches have been coming back pretty steadily. I think I must be clenching my teeth in my sleep again. My gut burns all the time from the stress. My shoulder, arm and wrist never stop hurting at this point. Some days I can’t even manage to take my bra off because it hurts my shoulder too much. So I just sleep in my clothes sometimes. I am trying to get physiotherapy through WCB, but it is turning out to be a very long process. If I could afford it, I’d already be going to physio, and my shoulder probably wouldn’t be a problem anymore. But again, back to the money issue, I simply cannot afford to add anymore bills to the pile, so I have to wait to be approved before I can get help. I am so anxious about losing my regular full-time job right now, I can’t even describe it. This one job is the glue that is holding EVERYTHING else together…and it is starting to come loose at the edges. Add my newly acquired knee pain to that. Fortunately, that seems to be slowly getting better. It was a stupid thing...but at least I learned my lesson from it. When you are old, and fat, don’t ever forget it, and think that you are young and agile again…because you will fall on your ass and hurt yourself. Lucky for me I don’t have much pride…because that would probably hurt worse than my knee at this point. As for the house, I do know what needs to be done. The problem is…with all the other things that need fixing, I don’t have the time or energy left to do it. My house is filled with crap. It’s a disaster. It looks like a cross between a break in, and someone in the process of moving in. The thing is…we’ve been there for over a year. Most of our stuff is still in boxes lining the hallways and kitchen. Kitchen. HA! We have yet to actually use the kitchen to eat in. We have about 12 inches of counter space that is not filled with dirty dishes, empty packages, and sticky spots from miscellaneous spilled things. I clean, and then 2 days later, it’s a disaster again. I honestly can’t keep up. So I’ve just sort of given up. The lawns are overgrown, the carpets need vacuuming, the floors need mopping, everything needs dusting, and 90% of the crap in the house actually just needs throwing away. I need to learn to turn off all my emotions. Totally shut down. Just for a while. Just until I can get through this. If I wasn’t so emotional all the time, and tied up in everyone else, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to just get on with things. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so drained all the time. It’s funny, because at work, when I tell them things about my life, and what’s going on they say, “Oh, but you’re so happy all the time! You’re always smiling! NOTHING ever bothers you!” If they only knew. If they only knew how very fine the thread was that I’m hanging on to. I tell them I laugh because it stops me from crying. Then they laugh because they think I’m joking. Actually, I had a co-worker whip out her cheque book today and offer me $100. Just like that. No strings attached. Holy shit. I refused. And I have to say I am very proud that I managed not to start crying again. I could actually feel them prickling behind my eyelids. It took Herculean effort to suck the tears back in, but I did. I thanked her, but told her I couldn’t possibly accept it. That I was tired of being rescued, and that I needed to do this for myself. I really didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but there was no way in Hell I was going to take her money. And yet, for all that I am trying very hard to fix the mess I’ve made of my life, and take responsibility for my actions, and learn how to be a real person and Do The Right Thing….there was a voice in my head screeching at me to just TAKE THE FUCKING MONEY ALREADY!!!!! So…back to the testing. Was this another test? Did I pass? Or did I fail again? Am I going to go home now and find some emergency that could have been fixed for only $100? So…my life continues on as it always does. One big chaotic roller coaster. I don’t know how I’m going to fix it, or if I really can. Some days, when the sun is out and I am feeling just a little bit strong, I think that perhaps if I can just hold on long enough, I’ll be able to do it. So, all I can really do at this point is just hang on tight, and hope nothing crashes too hard until I can get there. 
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